The count started over and I’m officially back on American soil with one day under my belt. I miss Nicaragua terribly. I remember the first time I went, before I moved, coming back and for weeks frantically looking at the clock just to escape away to my second home and think about where everyone was at that very minute…I find myself doing that again now. And I’ve been told to put the word “grieving” to it. So the travel day I was grieving not riding out to Pantanal with everyone and being there for Ernestina’s feeding program. I was grieving not hearing all about how Ernestina’s day went at the preschool and I was grieving not playing with the kids before they filled their bellies.
And it’s true.
I’m grieving a loss.
But the only reason the grief is felt so deep is because the love and friendship and sense of family ran so deep while I was there for the last 2 years. And it was evident in my last week that this will not be a place, nor the people who fill it, easily forgotten or never seen again. They’re not getting rid of me that easy!
So, Day 1 I find myself waking up late (because it was so quiet I didn’t realize the day had started and from being so cold I had no desire to get out of bed) then getting breakfast with my dad. The whole breakfast was filled with questions…
“What if I’m weird now and can’t relate to my friends in Denver?”
“How do I balance but not compartmentalize?”
Processing and fighting tears.
“Am I actually going to be able to handle this…”
“What’s going to be different/what’s going to hit me now that I’m back…”
Then, as an innocent bystander I get hit with the first wave of re-entry.
Setting: Wal-mart Neighborhood Market face wash aisle (in retrospect I’m thanking God it wasn’t the full-blown Wal-mart!)
“While I’m here, I’ll just get the face lotion I ran out of the other day.” Simple task.
Not so much.
I had forgotten the unbelievable amount of options you have! 15 minutes passed and my brain had gone to mush. It was like I couldn’t think and my poor dad, knowing less than probably anyone in the grocery store about face creams, so patiently waits with me, reads the labels, checks the ingredients, runs to get last minute items (about 3 times) to give me more time and I’m stuck. My time finally ran out and my dad picks one out and we walk to the counter. I was laughing to keep from crying because it felt so silly, but so real at the same time.
Then came the flood of emotions and I found myself hiding away in my room (still freezing) minutes after getting home, just crying.
Over face cream…I mean, really!
But I’ve been told this is normal and will happen, and I know I’m not the only one, but actually living it brings it to a whole new light. So to all those who have reentered before me, I’m getting it…it’s a real thing.
Although for me heart songs help when I’m feeling in a funk and, thanks to the one and only Journey “Viaje” Esposito, I found mine for when these moments come.
My Revival – Lauren Daigle
I will run and not grow weary
I will walk, I will not faint
I will soar on wings like eagles
Find my rest in Your everlasting name
You are my revival
Jesus on You I wait
I’ll lean on Your promise
You will renew my strength
So we’re at Re-Entry – 1, Kelsey – 0, but God and I are going to even the score!
And for those that didn’t see the photos of my last week on facebook, I’ll finish out with a glimpse into those sweet days and another big, heartfelt THANK YOU for all who have read, prayed, followed, and/or given because these moments coming up in the pictures would not have happened had I not had your support and prayers. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Monday: an attempt to take the preschoolers to the zoo, only to find it was closed so we made an impromptu visit to Masaya park and the kids spent the morning playing on the playground 🙂
Tuesday: my parents got in and we hit the ground running so they could see the Masaya volcano
Wednesday: women’s bible study and Fortin for the English class celebration
Thursday: jail ministry and Backyard Bible Club #1
Friday: El Puente kids class, Siembra de Vida preschool with Ernestina, Backyard Bible Club #2
Saturday: sports and my baptism! 🙂
I would do dinner with Jesse’s family every week (it started out as english classes for his kids, but eventually evolved to just weekly dinners – one week Nica, one week American food). Saturday night we combined our last weekly dinner with his daughter, Martha’s, birthday celebration
Sunday: my last day – church at El Puente and the kids surprised me with cake and balloons, lunch with Ernestina’s family, then volleyball in Pantanal. We ended the night with worship and watching a sweet slideshow video that Journey had made me!
Monday: We left this morning, but I had one last visitor… 🙂
It was a rich week that represents well the rich blessings I had over the last two years. I will grieve this until I’m back with them, with my Nica family.
Much love.
