The normal way for me to cope with change is to just put it off until…well, it's already changed. I think most of my close friends in Denver are the same way, as me leaving in June has not been a regular conversation. It has come up a few times this week, though, and forced me to face it a little. For instance, one night last week my roommate, Lanna, and I were having our usual going-to-bed conversation in our hallway and found ourselves hugging and crying before it was over and done with because things were going to be forever different very soon. I realized that was only the second time I had really reacted to the changes coming up (the first time being over missing my niece's 1st birthday…still coping with that though) Then, this past Friday, Lanna, my friend Tiffany, and I were sitting on the couch talking about the things that needed to happen before 2 of the 3 of us left for the summer/next 2 years and at one point we all just sat there.
Saying nothing.
Taking it all in.
And here I am again, sitting across from Tiffany in Europa Cafe, fighting my worst nightmare of crying in public, and taking it all in.
We sang a song in church this morning that I actually quoted in my journal the day I decided to move to Nicaragua – I surrender, I surrender, I surrender all… – and I was convicted of the way I've been feeling about everything.
I have felt scared.
Not necessarily scared of what's to come – I trust God with where He's taking me and when I sit and think on it I'm still excited about everything to come – but I've been scared of what I'm leaving. And, at times, what feels like I'll be losing. God has blessed me immensely with a community here that I cherish more than I could ever tell them and I'm afraid of that changing. Just this last weekend we went bowling to celebrate a dear friend's birthday and I found myself more than once watching everyone and seeing what I will miss terribly once I'm gone.
(The fabulous group of people I was blessed to be with Saturday night)
So, there it is…if you made it through this post, you now have a better idea of where I'm at with everything and to avoid ending this on a low note, a friend in Nicaragua messaged me this verse from Isaiah as encouragement:
"Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand…For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you." (Isaiah 41:10, 13)
Hopefully this wasn't too all over the place to follow and I apologize for the lengthy update, but thank you for sticking with me.
Until next time…
Much love.
